Photos: B30 Valley of Fire Part II
As we walked back from Elephant Rock, a lizard darted past us.
This caught the attention of Dante immediately. We had a good laugh watching him stalk the lizard, and *POINT*.
Photos: B30 Valley of Fire – Part I
So, you go somewhere you find exciting and take hundreds of pictures, and think that maybe-just-maybe you did a decent job. You get home, eagerly scroll through your work, and instantly hate all of them. Every single one. And then a month goes by and you take a second look, and you realize that… wait a minute… these aren’t SO bad. No, actually, I quite like that one, in fact, and this one, too.
Sound familiar?
That happened to me BIG TIME with my photos from my Before 30 hiking trip to Valley of Fire. I looked at them the first time and felt entirely disappointed. I just now took another look – and perhaps it’s the fact that I did not sleep at all last night – but I actually quite like a lot of these now.
Either way, it was a special trip with my girls and my new “nephew”, and I’m glad to have the mementos and eager to share them. This will have to be a series of posts in order to share all of these photos; I’m not about to flood you with that many pictures in a single post. I’ll probably share ten or twelve at a time.
This first set of photos is from our little hike up to Elephant Rock, which was hilarious. We took this meandering, stumbling, uneven, winding (but short) hike on the designated path – only to arrive at our destination, which we promptly realized we had driven right past as it is literally on the side of the road. It was probably a quarter of a mile round trip “hike” to arrive somewhere about thirty feet from our starting point. We laughed our asses off when we got there, and walked back the thirty feet on the side of the road when we were ready to go back.
Also, yes the rocks are that red! I did not enhance the red saturation in any of these photos at all. I DID desaturate some of the other colors because the intensity of all the colors became overwhelming. I think that is perhaps why I was initially put off from these photos; it was easier to appreciate the lovely red rock formation without a glaring, nearly too bright blue sky behind it.
Ready to Dye
So, as some of you may already know, I’ve been dyeing up a storm. It has always been my intention to start populating my store with hand-dyed yarn, and I want to start that soon.
So, any of my fiber loving friends, I can use your advice. These are the results from dyeing earlier in the week, what do we think? Sellable? Etsy approved?
Photos: Downtown Art
Finally – these are the salvageable photos from my very brief venture downtown as part of my Before 30. I really do love the area. It’s part ghetto, part artistic rebirth, and 100% graffiti. It feels both scary and intriguing. I love this first picture, not because it is a remotely good picture, but because it kind of sums it up perfectly: Art District and Bankruptcy.
Photos: Magical Puppies!
A year ago, my mom decided she was ready for a new dog…
And so she came home with two.
I shared them once before, while they were cone heads after surgery.
I have decided these puppies are magical…
Their cute faces and adorable personalities have been specially designed to make me feel better.
This dark one is D’arcy – she has really grown into her face. But she still looks like a goofball sometimes.
She is the sweetest dog ever, and the perfect cuddle buddy – happy to settle into the crook of your neck and stay there.
The light one is Bronte. She’s incredibly sweet, and likes to be in the action and have attention as much as possible.
She’s also hilarious. I call her the southern diva. She does this “swoon” thing where she just HAS to flop backwards in your arms.
I keep expecting her to raise her paw to her forehead and flutter her eyelids.
They have very different personalities, but they are both affectionate, sweet, and wonderful.
Not to mention gorgeous…
…although I might be biased.
They brighten even my darkest moods, and get me laughing when I don’t think it’s possible.
See? Magical!
Hey, look! Photos! Seriously!
Lots of fun things happening over here, but I’ll have to go into that some other time. I will say that I had the most amazing day today, and I feel incredible! 
ANYWAY! I’m trying to get back in the groove of things and catch up on my backlog of photos. For a predominantly photography-driven blog, there hasn’t been much photography around here lately! I hope to rectify that in the future and steer things back to what matters.
These are a few photos that I took in my mother’s yard right after Christmas. That’s all, nothin’ fancy. Just a few photos. Although, I am sad to say that it became clear that I obviously left my camera on ISO 800 or 1600. Grainy. Boo.
Coming soon I should have photos from the Valley of Fire hiking tip, my brief downtown photo walk, and a super cute puppy photo shoot.
To and Fro
I’ve been having some very conflicted feelings lately.
On one hand, I feel great. I’m sleeping better than I have in years. The almost nightly nightmares are gone – I’ve had one, last night, in an entire month. Hours can go by without thinking about any of this mess, where as for years it has been a constant thought at the front of my mind. I am having so much fun, these days. For so long there was someone whispering in my ear that they loved me and would never hurt me again, while they were trying to smother me with a pillow as forcefully as possible. The pillow is finally gone, as are the drops of vocal poison in my ear. There’s no longer a crazy bastard trying to smother the life out of me while simultaneously yelling at me and punishing me for having the nerve to wither up and die under the effort.
But…
There is this other part that sneaks up on me. The part that is heart broken and sad. And those feelings are very real. There is a very real part of me that is absolutely full of love. Before you get all worried and kick my ass, let me explain.
I know the difference, now. This part of me that is grieving and heart broken and full of love… it feels all of those things for a person that doesn’t exist. Intellectually, I know all of this. The reality of who that man is – I’m not interested in. She can have him. If she already has him again, she can keep him. I have zero interest. Their crazy seems to be well matched. I’m supposedly doing horrible things to her children, while she keeps them and herself in an environment with someone that is truly unstable and that, according to her, literally bashes her head against the wall repeatedly and covers her in bruises. I mean, who the hell wants any part of that? Not me.
What I know is that I have been completely in love with a fictional character – a role that has been played by someone who is truly repulsive in reality. I have been reading books about lying and that kind of pathological behavior, and he is really ill – a true text book liar and sociopath. That is the real person. The person who even lies about wanting to be “better”, lying to the professionals he is depending on to help him. I have zero interest in that person. He disgusts me.
The person he pretended to be, though – I adored that person. He made me laugh like nobody else. Made me feel special and loved in ways that I didn’t think were possible. He was kind and loving and good. He wasn’t real. I am real, though, and my half of things were always honest and true, and the emotions that I feel are very real. However, no matter how much I miss him and long for him, no matter how much I ache and grieve for him, I know that he is not real – and that the real person is absolutely not someone that I want, he’s just a sad shell of a person who bears a striking resemblance to someone that owns my heart.
And that makes it easier. I’ve seen enough of the real person that I can easily separate the two. I have no desire to reach out to the real person. He has someone that will suffer his lies and the abuses even more extensive than what I suffered through with him. And they can have their sickness. I didn’t bankrupt him. I didn’t treat him like a meal ticket. I didn’t make him miserable – the only misery he experienced with me were a result of his own ugliness and behavior. I was the one that bought him presents and helped him out of binds, who loaned him the money for the legal council that she made sure he desperately needed, and that helped him buy things for his kids and gave them presents. All I did was love and adore him, for as long as he could keep up the facade of being a better person than he is remotely capable of being in reality. I was the only replenishing thing in his life, rather than being the total drain. I know all of that, and so does he.
And so I don’t miss the reality. Who the hell in their right mind would miss a person like that? The only good thing that person has ever done for me has been to stay away, even though it was only after I made it clear that I wouldn’t allow him to keep playing his games anymore. He still screws with me from time to time, but in ways that aren’t worth calling him on as they are easily covered with excuses. I never said he wasn’t smart, that is the only thing in common with the person I love and the man behind the mask – the intelligence. My eyes are wide open, so he’ll cling to the delusional until his dying breath. I’m unbelievably grateful that it isn’t me.
So, I sit in this strange limbo – in love with a person that doesn’t exist, basically something akin to grieving the death of a loved one, and staying as far away from the real person and his influence as I possibly can. I think being able to tell the difference between the two has been the key. Allowing myself to feel how I feel, and to grieve and go through those emotions, without putting myself in any more harm. The feelings I feel aren’t for that person, so the fact that HE is not dead matters not.
I feel better than I have in years, while my heart continues to spontaneously rip out of my chest at completely random moments. Its a strange reality, but at least it IS reality. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
B30 Final Update: Dun dun dun.. DONE!
This past week has been an absolutely whirlwind. With my birthday looming and time running short to complete everything and being very sick on top of it, the week was full of rushing to beat deadlines and having an absolute blast! I’ll have some pictures to post for some (read: most) of these things, I haven’t had a chance to pull them off the camera!
- Go on at least one downtown photowalk. 1-20-11 I almost gave up on this one. I was (am) sick, I didn’t have much time, and the road construction on top of the one way streets in the area I wanted to visit made it all nearly impossible to get to. After spending 15 minutes trying to get to where I wanted to go, I drove off. ”Screw it, I’m just going to knitting.” But at the very last moment before getting on the freeway I made a turn on another street, giving it one last shot. I managed to hit one of the areas I was aiming for, and snapped some pictures. I was only at it for about 10 or 15 minutes, but I did it! I haven’t grabbed the photos yet, but I hope there are a couple of decent ones in there.
- Sing karaoke again. 1-22-11 I nearly gave up on this one as well. I had myself all psyched up for this one! Thursday was going to be the day. On Tuesday, I became even more sick than the congestion I have been experiencing for the last month. I could still sing, though. I tested it – I recorded myself, I listened, I sounded fine. Wednesday and Thursday were BAD. I sounded like a pubescent boy/frog hybrid. I was still going to go, though! And then I received news that my usual karaoke crew were ill as well, and weren’t going to be going. Dang it! However… Saturday came around… and SURPRISE PARTY! With karaoke!!! So in the 11th hour, I did it! I sounded like absolute shit, but boy did we have the best time ever, and it was my very last goal met!
- Dye my yarn. 1-21-11 On Friday, since I was sick, I decided to stay home from hockey and work on this goal. I had planned on doing this on Wednesday, but my head hurt from being sick and so I put it off. It was lots of fun, though. I’m very much looking forward to my next batch! Although I did manage to slightly felt superwash yarn, not sure how I did that. LOL
- Catch up on my backlog at work. 1-20-11 I have been working on this one for quite a while. On Thursday, I finally got there. And let me tell you, it feels REALLY good. :)
- Go hiking. was successfully completed in conjunction with…
- Roadtrip to see something cool. 1-17-11 On Monday, with Wanda, Michelle, and Dante in tow, we drove a couple of hours to Valley of Fire state park. I decided I wanted to see the petroglyphs, and a few of the other formations out there. We had a bit of a rocky start – as soon as we pulled into the park I was pulled over and nearly given an almost $400 speeding ticket. Very glad they give out verbal warnings, first. Not a single one of us thought we were speeding, but trucks can often give the illusion of feeling slower than they are actually moving. I think we were just excited. We took TONS of photos, did a lot of laughing, saw many beautiful things, and had lots of fun with Dante. I woke up sick the following morning, so I think all of the fresh air did me in. :) Being sick has reminded me that being an asshole is NOT a requirement of being sick nor does being sick excuse it. I have been some level of not feeling well for a month now, and I have been perfectly happy and pleasant and kind (to all except the one that deserves none of that from me). So being a horrible person while your sick just means that.. you’re a horrible person. I truly appreciate the reminder of this.
I have a lot more to say on some of these, as well as tons of pictures to share. I had a fantastic birthday, though – which deserves a post all on it’s own. It was nice to not have my birthday ruined for the first time in years. My friends and family pulled it all out, and it was a rockin’ good time. I have spent so many of my own special times trying to worry about someone else, who actually didn’t give a shit. I spent last year worrying about someone else’s 30th birthday, and was no doubt lied to about it entirely, and who couldn’t have given a shit about mine. This year, though, was wonderful. No ugliness, no misery… just a full on day of love and celebration and really good people.
There is one goal left on my list. I left this one untouched on purpose. Either move, or have this apartment perfectly set up. Honestly, I’m just not prepared to make that choice right now. The thought of moving is truly unsettling to me. I hate moving. HATE. IT. And I’ve done a lot of that in my late teens and 20s. I am actually more settled into this apartment than I have ever been in any other. There are things that I dislike about it, though. Some really bad memories that I have no desire to be reminded of. Huge areas of it feel entirely tainted and ugly to me. I’m trying my best to undo that, though.
I know that moving won’t magically mean that I don’t remember, so just jumping ship here would be a rash and foolish decision. I moved my living room around, and that is helping. I’m making newer, better memories in there to bury the others. I think I’m going to get some fresh bedding, and see if that helps. I’m not ready to choose either way, though… so I left that goal untouched. In fact, I’m going to remove it entirely. It’s not really a goal anymore. Settling in here is an ongoing process, and I’ll find the right path when I’m ready to.
B30 Update: Getting close!
I only have a few days left before my 30th birthday! I’m trying to scramble to meet the rest of these goals. It’s a little stressful, and kind of exciting!! Here is the full list of Before 30 goals.
- Make at least three new single friends. When I think about the difference in my life between this birthday and last, it is pronounced. While I will beat myself up over having squandered this past year, I can feel the difference. After being trapped in living a paralyzed life devoid of progress based on all of the lies, I still managed to develop a better life here without even realizing it. The friendships I have cultivated have been… life-saving. As far as “single friends”… I probably didn’t meet that goal. I do have a number of wonderful friends that I didn’t have before, though. Roxanne and Michelle are my new single friends, I met them both through knitting. Wanda and Keena are two women that are both paired off (yet child free), but I am able to spend time with them predictably and regularly, and that was part of the whole point. LeeAnn, Talana, Kyrie, Sidra – I see some arrangement of all of these ladies on a regular basis. Recently, I’ve met a new group of people: Donna, Suze, Christina, Greg, and Laura. I’m looking forward to knowing them all better. And even further, I’ve barely met Janice and Kate and Ginger, and I really hope to figure out how to spend some more time with those ladies as well. When I sit and think about it, things are happening around me – actually, I’m MAKING things happen – and I find it all very exciting. No more letting life pass me by while waiting on empty words and broken promises. I am thrilled by this progress, and I consider that goal more than met.
- Reorganize my birthday card supply and not forget to mail out a single one. I consider this goal met as well, although it won’t officially be “met” until my birthday. I know that I was late a few times, but since I made this goal not a single birthday (or which I have been aware – if I missed you, let me know!) has gone unacknowledged. That was the point. I love my people so much, they at least deserve a card from me. I plan on getting it ALL right this year.
- Attend at least one class at Home Depot. When I first posted this goal, my friend Dan commented that Home Depot doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and that if I wanted to learn something I would be welcome to ride along with him one day – he runs a very successful handyman business. I took him up on that offer on 1/11/11. We did lots of things – patched and textured walls, matched paint colors the right way, messed with garage door openers and shower heads, improved a sliding door, recaulked a tub, explored strange precipitates in the a/c system, etc. I’ve done some of these things before, but at least now I know the RIGHT way to do them and walked away with a bunch of useful tips! Was a lot of fun, and we laughed a WHOLE LOT during that day. He once mentioned wanting to start a blog about being a handy man, and I really hope he does. He has so many truly hilarious stories, and he interacts with some real characters every day.
By the end of this week, I’ll have met some more of these goals as well. I’m almost out of time!
I’m linking up this week with my lovely friend Cate at Moments of Whimsy. She’s hosting a Project 2011, and while what I’m doing here is a little bit different, I think it definitely relates.
B30 Update: Big Goal Met
So, one of the biggest, most complicated goals met yesterday:
My “Certain Little Legal Matter” is completely and totally dealt with, done, and dusted. WOOHOO!!
Most of you probably know what this is about, and if not and you really want to know, just shoot me an email, hit me up wherever else you might know me, or ask me through comments and I’ll email you back!
A big part of my life has been resolved. Another ugly layer shed. More progress made. I feel like ever step forward I fight for, another rope snaps that is attaching me to whatever is holding me back. I’m closer to leaving all the bad things back there to eat my dust. We joked last night that this was going to be the Year of Kellee – I can only hope that doesn’t turn into something like “The Summer of George.” LOL
While I was clearly letting other things get to me day yesterday, and I shouldn’t have, it was a really nice day. After taking care of that first thing in the morning, I had a lovely brunch with my mother, a relaxing day at home, my friend Keena took the day off to hang out with me and came to my knitting night with my main group of girls which was absolutely awesome. I also finished a hat I started on Tuesday for a very dear friend of mine – the only knitting I’ve done so far this year.
I’m so excited!
